Skepticism.
I have recently realized at least one thing about myself.
I am an unbearable snob.
I really am. This isn't one of those things where I want you to tell me that I'm not a snob, that really, how could I think that about myself? I'm being very serious here.
Don't call me, because I rarely return phone calls. If you e-mail me, there's a solid chance that I won't be e-mailing you back anytime soon. If you want me to critique your work, you'd better critique mine first and make it good. It's not because I'm lazy or because I'm mean. It's just because I am an unbearable snob.
I realize time and time again how ridiculous I am. I mean, honestly, how hard is it to sit down and write e-mails? How hard is it to return a simple phone call? But something in me quails, rebels. No, they have to call you first write you first critique you first! Don't give in, don't give up, let them call you if they really, really think they need you!
Maybe it's something in my twisted psyche that needs to make certain that someone likes me, really likes me, before I extend and make the effort to be their friend. Sometimes I don't think people realize that it's a serious undertaking for me to become a close friend or even a good friend. There are people that just somehow work themselves into my life effortlessly, seamlessly, and I choose these people because there is no effort.
You don't call me for a couple of weeks? Do you even really like me? Do you want to be my friend? Why don't you call more often? If you really wanted me to return your phone call maybe you'd call every single night and soothe my fifth-grade fears that nobody likes me and I'm going to sit alone at the lunch table for the rest of the year. You’re not my friend, you big fat liar.
I don’t think sometimes that it’s realized how much unbearable snobbery is just related to self-consciousness. I have fear that I am going to be a bad friend, so perhaps it’s just easier to forego the entire friendship. The people that know the state of my bedroom (which constantly looks as if it has been hit with a tsunami made out of laundry and paperback novels) would hardly call me neurotic, but I am. Absolutely. I am neurotic about relationships.
I don’t think it’s a trust thing. In this day and age, who doesn’t have trust issues? Isn’t that sort of the fad thing? Ask me about my problems, they’re so much worse than yours, earn my trust so I know you’re worthy, try your hardest to be my friend and maybe I won’t spit in your face. The age of skepticism.
I know that I don’t have a problem trusting people—quite the opposite. My trust is a very easy thing to gain. I oftentimes don’t even realize I’ve given it until it’s been betrayed or stepped on, but I will give it time and time again.
Or maybe it is. It isn’t that I don’t trust the people themselves, but rather that I don’t trust what they’re trying to express. The fact that someone would want to be my friend still seems like a very inaccessible concept to me. I guess some people would call it naiveté or low self-esteem, but I don’t think those people really understand. It really seems impossible… impossible that someone could really see me for what I am and want to be closer to me.
That just doesn’t make any sense at all.
I am an unbearable snob.
I really am. This isn't one of those things where I want you to tell me that I'm not a snob, that really, how could I think that about myself? I'm being very serious here.
Don't call me, because I rarely return phone calls. If you e-mail me, there's a solid chance that I won't be e-mailing you back anytime soon. If you want me to critique your work, you'd better critique mine first and make it good. It's not because I'm lazy or because I'm mean. It's just because I am an unbearable snob.
I realize time and time again how ridiculous I am. I mean, honestly, how hard is it to sit down and write e-mails? How hard is it to return a simple phone call? But something in me quails, rebels. No, they have to call you first write you first critique you first! Don't give in, don't give up, let them call you if they really, really think they need you!
Maybe it's something in my twisted psyche that needs to make certain that someone likes me, really likes me, before I extend and make the effort to be their friend. Sometimes I don't think people realize that it's a serious undertaking for me to become a close friend or even a good friend. There are people that just somehow work themselves into my life effortlessly, seamlessly, and I choose these people because there is no effort.
You don't call me for a couple of weeks? Do you even really like me? Do you want to be my friend? Why don't you call more often? If you really wanted me to return your phone call maybe you'd call every single night and soothe my fifth-grade fears that nobody likes me and I'm going to sit alone at the lunch table for the rest of the year. You’re not my friend, you big fat liar.
I don’t think sometimes that it’s realized how much unbearable snobbery is just related to self-consciousness. I have fear that I am going to be a bad friend, so perhaps it’s just easier to forego the entire friendship. The people that know the state of my bedroom (which constantly looks as if it has been hit with a tsunami made out of laundry and paperback novels) would hardly call me neurotic, but I am. Absolutely. I am neurotic about relationships.
I don’t think it’s a trust thing. In this day and age, who doesn’t have trust issues? Isn’t that sort of the fad thing? Ask me about my problems, they’re so much worse than yours, earn my trust so I know you’re worthy, try your hardest to be my friend and maybe I won’t spit in your face. The age of skepticism.
I know that I don’t have a problem trusting people—quite the opposite. My trust is a very easy thing to gain. I oftentimes don’t even realize I’ve given it until it’s been betrayed or stepped on, but I will give it time and time again.
Or maybe it is. It isn’t that I don’t trust the people themselves, but rather that I don’t trust what they’re trying to express. The fact that someone would want to be my friend still seems like a very inaccessible concept to me. I guess some people would call it naiveté or low self-esteem, but I don’t think those people really understand. It really seems impossible… impossible that someone could really see me for what I am and want to be closer to me.
That just doesn’t make any sense at all.
3 Comments:
I miss you Telley. and I do want you to be my friend again, hevens knows i could use at least one friend. I just thought you were having too much fun with your other friends to think about calling little ol me. :) :) much love and i do miss you tons
yeah you're a snob but that is probably the worst of your problems. go loose some weight off that fat ass and stop going around acting like you're better than everyone else. you have a stupid job. you're not a spy, dumbass. you're in your twenties and you act like a teeny bopper. it's pathetic. no wonder noone wants you. by the way, you're the worst actor i've ever seen. we laugh about how much you suck and think it's hilarious that you brag about how great you are. talentless pig.
Grrr. Oh how I wish I could tell anonymous that they are a fuckbag. But I won't, because I've decided to stop swearing. :)
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